Looking for Love & Romance

SEX - Is sex all that men think about?

True, I am the first to admit that men have an one track mind. Think of sex has a volume knob. If you turn the volume of sex up, men are pretty predictable. They scramble over themselves for some booty time.

However, if you turn that same knob down, what do you think men are thinking about when it comes to women? If its not sex... then it must be something else.

The answer is simple. Its love.

And compounded with love, romance, compatibility, how he feels when he is around that special someone. Men are not as two dimensional as women make out to be. There is depth and sensitivity there, sometimes masked beneath a crude and lewd exterior, but that sensitivity is there nevertheless.

I will not begrudge women the fact that some men act like insensitive jerks. That is certainly true... but the key word is "act like". Men in reality are every bit as sensitive as women, but have a strong tendency to hide it under macho bravado.

And the very reason men do that is because they are afraid of rejection, abandonment and loneliness. We (all humans) are afraid of those things, but the difference is that women tend to react to those feelings differently.

Society expects a lot from men. 'He' makes the first pass. 'He' attempts the first kiss. 'He' invites her up for coffee at 10 PM. Very rarely do we see women picking up men, planting the first kiss or inviting guys up for a bout of coffee the next morning. True, some women break with convention and that is a sign of progress, but the onus is still very much on men to time these things properly.

No relationship is perfect. There is always pitfalls.

Lets take for example the friends scenario, wherein the male and female enjoy each others company and both of them start to drop romantic signals... hugs, touching, general closeness, but also verbal gestures such as talking about romantic things such as plans for the future, going to see chick flicks together, etc.

This friends scenario really has 3 possible outcomes:

1. They manage to change their friendship into a loving relationship.
2. They fall apart and the friendship is permanently ruined.
3. They managed to stay friends, but things might be awkward for a period of time, perhaps permanently.

If they screw this up, is it because the male did the timing wrong? Not necessarily. Women and men have different priorities sometimes and sometimes those priorities get in the way of making the transition from friends to lovers.

Another scenario is just met, wherein the couple has just encountered each other, sparked their interest and are now pursuing the possibility of romance. They're confused about how much the other person likes them (please do NOT read the book "He's Just Not That Into You", that book is complete crap), they're worried about the other person becoming obsessed with them (although if two needy people meet it works out wonderfully).

The just met scenario also has three possibilities:

1. They're compatible and the relationship goes through the normal cycle of pitfalls.
2. They quickly learn they hate each other (or are just bored of the other person) and it falls apart.
3. They like each other, but the romance isn't there for one of them so they bring out the "lets just be friends" speech to try and let the other down gently.

Romance does play an important part in both the friends and just met scenarios. Add a dash of romance and everything seems to go more smoothly.

The problem however is that many men and women these days don't know HOW to be romantic. Oh sure, they've figured out how to get funky beneath the sheets, but we're talking about the whole wining, dining, picnic, day trips, chocolates, roses, etc. (We should note however that gifts are a romantic gesture, but not necessarily romantic because they can feel more like the male is trying to buy love, not earn it.)

You may quickly notice a lot of the onus for romance is on men. When we think of non-object romantic gestures we think of kissing of hands, holding the door open, pulling out chairs, holding the umbrella, waiting for the female when she gets off from work and doing all the things we expect from a so-called gentleman.

But what do men actually want out of romance? Sure, there is pleasure in giving and being nice to someone, but what do men hope to get in return?

Well obviously kisses, hugs and sex would top the list... but lets turn the sex knob down and not refer to anything involving displays of affection. What do men hope to get out of being romantic and hopefully having the female be romantic in return.

Again love is the answer. He wants the woman to be impressed by his generosity, thoughtfulness and the way he goes out of his way to help people.

But how does a woman in return express romance? Some argue that gifts and food do wonders, but I disagree. Feeding the pig doesn't make it love you. It just makes the pig want more. They could in theory do the whole opening doors, pulling out chairs and being considerate bit. The first two probably won't get a man's attention very much, but the last one in which the woman shows how nice and considerate she is will definitely win points.

In theory the woman gets to display her romantic side when the man falls sick and becomes a big baby for several days, but again that is just making food, spooning out medicine and maybe running a hot bath for him. Its just feeding the pig again.

(If anyone can think of romantic gestures women make or could potentially make, feel free to leave a comment!)

Sometimes romance happens by accident.

My most romantic moment was 9 years ago. I was friends with a girl from Guelph and she was visiting Toronto on and off because she has family and friends here. We spent the day together and then took the subway to Union Station where she had to catch the Go train.

During the day we started holding hands, on the subway she started leaning on my shoulder (we were both tired from a busy day) and I ended up walking her to the train on the platform.

It was there on the train platform she and I first kissed, waiting for the last moment as the tension grew and grew. It makes me all mushy just thinking of it.

Sure, we broke up 5 months later when she cheated on me, but that doesn't change the sense of romance that was involved in that first kiss.

So do men think about nothing but sex? Evidently not. We are sexual beasts true enough, but we are complicated and sensitive beasts and crave love and romance too.


phoenix9731 said...

I agree with you, this is a great blog. Everyone that wants to know more about the difference between Love and Romance should read this. I've been looking for many articles and blogs on how to bring my romantic side back up and this blog has open my mind and has brought up fresh new ideas and thoughts, because it makes common sense. My life basically runs on common sense, and I do remember once being romantic with my partner. Before we started having sex and me wanting more of it. Thank you.

Beibei said...

Sure, sex is not all that men want. Even the greatest sex can't save a divorce or make a man ready to commit to a relationship if he doesn't feel it's happening. However, men are able to repeatedly have sex with the same partner for a long time without any emotions attached, but women tend to start engaging their emotions and showing affections after a while. Kissing is romantic. Holding hand is romantic. Him brushing your hair away from the wind and touching your face is romantic. Sex can be romantic if both are emotionally engaged. Otherwise, it would just be a human being's primitive need and there is little to nothing romantic about it.

mizzjo said...

There's a guy I really like at work, and for months it seemed that he tried many, many ways to impress me. He would pick up on the things I'm interested in (his desk was next to mine) such as mountain climbing, my own brand of geek jokes, Marvel superhero quizzes, and made it seem as if he was into those things too. He made me coffee when I felt a bit down, etc.

However at that time I was going through a broken engagement and wasn't really paying attention to anything around me. It was only some time last year that I realized, this guy is kinda nice & cute... so for Christmas I did something I thought was special for him. I drew a portrait of him and made a frame for it & gave it to him as a Christmas present.

Somehow it went downhill from there. A couple of days after we had our Christmas dinner he told me he is seeing a girl. I didn't mind having to continue working with him, and we're still on cordial & professional terms. But now that I'm back to my cold-hearted, rational self around him, he's back to being sweet again.

Kind of makes me wonder if guys DON'T like girls being sweet & romantic with them. Maybe for some men, it's just fun to flirt with women who are playing hard to get, and the moment we start being nice to them they lose interest in us.

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