Sexist Men are more likely to think Romeo is the main character of Romeo & Juliet

This just in...

In a rather unscientific poll of people on Twitter and Instagram, men are more likely to think that Romeo is the main character of Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" as opposed to both characters being "main characters".

First, let's define what is a main character or protagonist.

"A protagonist is the main character of a story. The protagonist makes key decisions that affect the plot, primarily influencing the story and propelling it forward and is often the character who faces the most significant obstacles."

Using this definition, we see that Romeo and Juliet are both main characters because they both fit that definition, since they routinely make decisions which push the plot forward, and bring it to its final conclusion when Romeo chooses to kill himself, and Juliet similarly chooses to kill herself.

It should also be noted that the roles are reversed. Juliet is female, but she is portrayed as being more aggressive, determined and intelligent, whereas Romeo is male, but he is depicted as a whiny bitch (albeit a charming one) who loses his temper and goes off the rails.

Despite this, some men when polled stated that they believed Romeo was the main character, and refuted the idea that it was possible to have "two main characters" in a story. Some men argued, in typical sexist fashion, that Juliet is just a supporting character that is just there to be the object of Romeo's romantic desires.

One male responder to the poll also argued that the theatre production should be called "Chad and Stacy" and went on an insane rant about how "all women like Juliet are just cockteasers who put you in the friendzone while looking for a Chad". (I had to look this up, but apparently Chad and Stacy are "incel terms", which tells us that this particular responder is a virgin who cannot get laid - probably because he's a creepy sexist pig.)

Despite the sexist male component, the poll did determine that an overwhelming majority of people do agree that both Romeo and Juliet are main characters.

Both characters do fit the protagonist description after all.

Romeo has a tiny bit more lines than Juliet, but his lines are shorter. Juliet has almost the same number of lines, but her lines are longer. If we compare the total number of words spoken then Juliet is the clear winner. Thus if we use the standard that the character who talks the most is the main character, then there is actually a strong argument that it is Juliet, not Romeo.

But since both characters fit the definition of protagonist, and both of them share "screen time" and "the most lines" almost 50/50, there is an even stronger argument that they are both main characters.

But as usual you can always trust that a sexist male will try to push the idea that the main character must be male. It could even be a film with two women (eg. "Thelma and Louise") and there will be a man out there who will argue that Brad Pitt or Harvey Keitel are the main characters.

Old Married Couples who Argue at Work

Old married couples argue a lot. You know the ones I mean.

Especially if your parents argued a LOT and never got divorced even though they wanted to get divorced but "stayed together for the kids". Then you will know what I mean on an intimate level because it happened to you.

But I have to wonder which is more traumatic for a child:

1) Getting a divorce.

2) Staying together and putting your kids through hell as you argue constantly.

Option 2 could even include spousal abuse, which means the children might be witnessing all manner of spouse on spouse violence - and growing up might continue that cycle of violence with their own spouse.

Any kind of spousal abuse is immediate grounds for divorce in my book. Regardless of who the victim of the abuse is, they should also make efforts to document the abuse with photos, video and visiting a doctor, and police.

And back up photos / videos online so the spouse cannot delete them. Quick and easy way to do that is to email the files to a friend or family member for safekeeping. Or multiple friends / family members.

Anyway, even without abuse you need to be thinking "What is the effect of all this arguing on the children?"

Well it is traumatizing to say the least. To the point that children sometimes run away, attempt suicide due to stress, get into drugs or alcohol, develop severe depression, become violent and act out, etc. I don't have any scientific studies to back this up, this is just my observations based on years of witnessing various parents who probably should not be together and argue so much their kids are traumatized.

It would be very interesting to see a scientific study done on the topic. It is possible there is several studies on the topic, so feel free to try and find one and then post the link in the comments.

5 Ways to increase your chances of getting Laid on a First Date

#1. Clean yourself up and dress masculine and sophisticated.

Three reasons why this improves your odds. Women like men who take care of themselves physically, they should be clean and well groomed. Secondly, women like men who know how to dress themselves - so wearing sophisticated and manly clothing improves your odds dramatically.

So for example just wearing a manly yet sophisticated jacket from Kish Wear - Men's High Fashion, dramatically improves your odds your date will like you.

The problem is that most men tend to dress like slobs, and that does not impress women very much. At the same time however you don't want to come across as emasculated - what you want really is to give the impression with your clothes that you are like a rugged James Bond type who can fist fight a bear and then go dancing all in the same night.

#2. Only go out on dates on Friday night or Saturday night.

Honestly, timing is everything. Women work just like men do, and they don't want to spend the night at a man's place when they have to get up the next morning and work. That would mean showing up at work possibly late, in the wrong clothes, and all sorts of problems. Thus dates on Sunday nights to Thursday nights have a dramatically lower rate of people getting laid. Also, never meet for coffee in the morning or afternoon. Coffee dates are for suckers. Women use coffee dates to browse for men. They are significantly less likely to sleep with someone when they are just browsing.

Avoiding eye contact on a date is a great way to NOT get laid.

#3. Look into her eyes when you talk to her.

This is really important. Do not avoid eye contact when talking, as some men do when they feel uncomfortable. Instead what you need to do is every time you are talking to your date then give them your full attention by looking deep into their eyes when you are talking to them. Try to repeat that when they are talking to you too.

Don't stare at her breasts (although you can sneak a peek briefly), don't check the time on your phone, don't use your cellphone when bored unless she goes to the bathroom (in which case turn it off when she comes back), don't stare at a TV or other women. The only person who should be the centre of your attention is her.

#4. In conversation avoid anything controversial or trivial arguments.

Don't talk about abortion (she may have had one), evolution vs creationism, politics, religion, etc. Instead stick to entertaining topics. If sports come up talk about them briefly, but don't go into great detail about your favourite sport unless she is also very interested in that sport. And even so, know when to stop. If she looks at her watch it is time to switch topics. When it comes to pop culture don't get involved in trivial arguments and then check who is correct on your cellphone. It makes you appear to be the type of person who always has to be right - and arguing about something trivial on a first date is not a good sign.

#5. Clean your apartment / house as if your mother is coming over.

Nothing messes with your feng shui than having a huge mess in the place. You are not going to want to invite a woman over when your place looks like a giant laundry basket of dirty clothes. All your clothing should be in the closet, or neatly piled in a proper laundry basket (or stowed in a laundry bag). The floor should be clean, there should be less than 3 dishes in your sink or the sink should be empty. Your entire apartment / house should be spotless, as if your Great Aunt Ida is coming for a visit soon and she smacks you with her cane if the place isn't perfectly clean.

Furthermore the only things left out, clutter wise, should be your musical instrument, painting, woodworking project, architectural designs, poetry notebook or something creative which you have left on the coffee table. This gives you something to talk about. If you don't do any activities like that your next best option is a coffee table book about traveling overseas. (Because like your Great Aunt Ida, women appreciate a man who is creative / likes to travel abroad. She may be a stickler for cleanliness, but Aunt Ida loves to talk about all the trips she went on when she was younger.)

The same rule above also applies to your car or vehicle. It should be clean, spotless and the only piece of clutter should be a book / map of an area you want to drive to sometime (eg. Ontario's wine region in Niagara).

NOTES

These are just 5 tips that increase your chances of getting laid. They are not a guarantee. You could still mess up by insulting her in some unforeseen way. Or she could turn out to be a headcase / damaged goods, in which case you are better off without her. (Far too many women out there have developed some weird psychological hangups that make them unable to have long term relationships. If you sleep with such a person they might end up stalking you, treating you like dirt, messing your mind, any number of things. You are better off avoiding headcases as they need professional treatment before they can even stand a chance of having a long term relationship.)

Getting laid on a first date is actually a good signifier that your relationship will last a longer period of time and lead to a lasting relationship (possibly even marriage) - at least when it comes to modern women. Conservative / religious women expect to be wooed a lot longer before the courtship reaches the bedroom.

As such it is best to avoid women who are not your counterpart in terms of belief system. Atheists probably should not be dating Christians and vice versa. Muslims and Christians dating, not such a big deal because Jesus is a prophet in Islam. Before meeting women for dates (assuming you met them via online personals) screen out any who are potentially problematic because of their religion. Women who describe themselves as spiritual are okay (and often free spirits sexually), but Roman Catholics or Russian Orthodox might have some antiquated ideas about marriage before sex. (Which is funny, because people who don't have sex before marriage are more likely to have a divorce.)

Now I am not saying you cannot date women who are of a different belief system than yourself. Go right ahead. Just understand that it is not going to be easier when it comes to trying to make the relationship last more then 2 months.

Whirlwind Romances and Commitment-Phobes at Work

DISCLAIMER - Not all people are commitment-phobes. Some have completely legitimate reasons to end a relationship. Some are just fickle or bored easily. It is my experience that younger people tend to be commitment-phobes and older people are more willing and desiring of a lasting relationship with all the responsibilities that come with it.

LOVE - Have you ever met a woman and after awhile (the term "awhile" can really vary from woman to woman) she starts talking about commitment.

Now commitment could mean many things.

It could mean going steady (which some men fear because they don't like to be tied down to one person and prefer to sleep around / cheat constantly).

It could mean moving in together as part of a natural progression towards marriage.

It could mean marriage itself, with the implied commitment towards having children.

Many of these things have been known to cause bachelors running for the hills, seeking protection and some sort of escape clause from their relationship. This is largely due to a fear of responsibility and/or commitment and/or fear of growing older, settling down, etc.

Usually its young men who are commitment-phobes. The older the man gets the more likely he starts getting fatherly yearnings towards having a wife and kids. And even grandkids. The ol' grow old and die together bit.

For women it is the same problem, but they also have a biological clock that is ticking. Once a woman enters her 30s and hasn't had kids of her own, if she has any plans to do so she had better speed it up and/or lower her standards.

Now there is plenty of nice single men out there. I know, I am one of them. But they're sometimes shy and they can't be hitting on women at work (because that is sexual harassment), they can't hit on women on the subway (because that is just creepy) and meeting women at church only works for those people who are super-religious and have no life.

So where is a man in his 30s supposed to meet a woman his age? Online personals. And there is quite a few out there, but the one I recommend is Plenty of Fish, or if you're very serious about getting married, check out eVow.

So you go through the whole online personals thing, a bit embarrassed at first, but hey, its easier than trying to pick up a woman at a bar and getting rejected in person.

Then Man meets Woman... and here is where we reach the Whirlwind Romance part of my conversation.

If people connect on their first meeting (and sadly most do not connect) they will probably end their first date with a kiss. Anything less than a kiss and she probably doesn't like you, so don't expect a 2nd date unless she actually makes an effort to arrange a 2nd meeting. No Kiss + Zero Effort = No 2nd Date. Capiche?

If they connect very well it might reach one of those baseball euphemism bases... for those who don't know, they are:

First base – French kissing involving the tongue.
Second base – Aggressive stimulation of the upper body, neck, chest, breasts, back, etc.
Third base – Manual or oral stimulation of the genitalia.
Home run – The act of penetrative intercourse, whether vaginal or anal.

Now if the 4th one happens and continues for some time its recommended you get tested for HIV, wear protection (especially if you're sleeping with multiple women), practice self control, etc.

Now eventually one or both of you will become emotionally attached to the other. If this happens quickly, as per a Whirlwind Romance, one or both parties might be tempted to slow it down or even break off the relationship completely (as in you never see her again). Such is the risks associated with having a Whirlwind Romance, they can sometimes end quickly.

Speaking for myself, my Whirlwind Romances usually led to long term relationships, the longest of which lasted 6 years. So in my opinion Whirlwind Romances are a good sign that two people are very compatible.

But not everyone thinks that way. So don't be surprised when women want to slow things down or end it.

Why?

Because women can also be commitment-phobes. They may have other (more legitimate) reasons too, but the core principle is sound. If things happen too fast men typically don't care, so long as the marriage part is slower. For women if things happen too fast they seem to get freaked out easily, possibly due to the fear of the unknown, fear of marriage, fear they're repeating a mistake / trend they've made with other relationships, etc. Any number of legitimate reasons.

Now if you commitment-phobe men out there were paying attention, you may have noticed the escape clause you have been looking for... all you have to do is say:

"I think we're going too fast and should take a break."

Oh sure, the woman is going to accuse you of being a commitment-phobe, and she would be right in doing so. But at least you're being honest for once.

To be fair to her you should also make it clear whether you will ever change your mind.

If you are interested in seeing her later you should say something like: "I just need time to think, but if I come to decision I would like to get back together with you and we could take it slower the second time around."

If you have zero interest in ever seeing her again (because she wasn't your type, was some psychotic nutjob, etc.) you should probably just tell her: "Don't bother waiting for me. I have zero interest in seeing you again. I don't think you are my type anyway. Lets just be friends! You snore and your breath stinks. You make love like a corpse. Etc, etc." You could even email her this blog post and she will get the hint.

Now on the reverse side if its the gal who gets cold feet and becomes commitment-phobic, well then there is nothing you can do about it except try to be supportive (pleading doesn't work, you only feel more pathetic and rejected).

If she says she may change her mind later, great. If not, then you will probably never see her again.

Such is life.

The funny thing about commitment-phobes is that men and women usually go about it differently. Men will typically look for an excuse to end a relationship. Women are more likely to use the "Lets just be friends!" speech or the "Its going too fast!" speech.

All things are equal in love and war, but that doesn't stop us from using different tactics.

Kissing in Dangerous Times... at Work!

LOVE & SEX - The photo on the right is young lovers Alexandra Thomas and Scott Jones in Vancouver, kissing during the recent riots following the Canucks loss.

The photo has since gone viral online, and according to interviews Alexandra and Scott they were actually afraid and fearing for their safety. The kissing couple were photographed in between police lines at the Vancouver riot, trapped and unable to go in either direction because police wouldn't let them.

“We were struck by police shields, pushed to the ground and I was just very, very frightened,” says Alexandra. “Everything happened so fast, faster than we could ever imagine it could happen.”

The two were not part of the riots. They were just looky-loos who had been watching the game at a friend’s house downtown when they heard about the riots and wanted to take a look.

“We wanted to go down and see for ourselves but it was crazy,” says Scott. “We didn’t know where we were supposed to go. We wanted to get out of there and we ended up in the line of police marching forward.”

Alexandra was struck down charging police wielding riot shields and batons. Scott was also knocked on the ground. “I just wanted us to go home safely. It was unbelievable that it was happening and all I wanted was for us to be safe.”

“Nobody was getting out of the way. It was all of a sudden they charged us. Very strong-handed and we were in one spot. The only thing we could do was try to stay calm and try to get up,” says Alexandra.

While down Alexandra was panicking and upset, so Scott kissed her in an effort to calm her down. That is when a nearby photographer snapped their photo, capturing a perfect example of "make love not war".

After much confusion the pair managed to find a train station and took a train to get out of Vancouver's downtown core.

The next day their moment of tenderness during the chaos was in newspapers and spreading rapidly online.

“When I first saw it, I thought, ‘No way, that’s not ... I can’t believe that’s us,’ ” says Alexandra. “Then I looked some more and realized that is us. That’s a very revealing picture of us.”

In the history of rioters vs police there's always a lot of damage...

Take for example last years G20 protests in Toronto... it shut down the city core and what did it do to prevent damage to public property? Nothing. The protestors simply damaged whatever property they were near, often targeting companies they considered to be "corporate fat cats".

The amount of damage is something for insurance agents and Toronto accountants to decide, but we can safely guess the damage was in the 10s of thousands.

And then there is all the employees who were unable to work the following days until their workplaces were fixed, repaired and so forth. Its not like they can just hire some freelance IT staff and go back to work immediately.

And for what??? They didn't change the government's mind about anything. All that damage to public property and people unable to work, and NOTHING to show for it. See my older article about whether Protesting is Obsolete.

In theory if protestors actually wanted to accomplish something real they'd travel Ottawa and organize a secret protest (usually methods similar to flashmobbing groups) to pick the locations and times at the last minute, to avoid police interference.

But even then what would they do? Set fire to cars? Wave placards? Break Ottawa windows and loot stuff? And what is that supposed to accomplish?

Back to the Vancouver riots, the main focus of the riots was the Canada Post building... Canada Post is currently on strike. It was NOT Canuck fans who smashed the windows and was deliberately destroying the building. It was Canada Post workers in disguise, getting back against their employer.

And what effect has it had? Will the Canadian government give in to Canada Post union demands? Doubtful. Most people don't even know it was Canada Post workers who attacked the Canada Post building...

Meanwhile Stephen Harper is back in Ottawa, in 24 Sussex Drive, enjoying its weight room, tennis court, swimming pool, sunrooms, billiard room and all the other amenities. Does Stephen Harper care that Canadians are unhappy and protesting? Heck no.

Stephen Harper was elected with a majority government on May 2nd 2011. He will stay in power for the next 4 years. He doesn't care if protestors break windows, "make love not war" or do anything else. He will be in power regardless of how much people protest.

Proof that protest and rioting is useless.

Valentine's Day at Work

Valentine's Day dates back to the Christian martyr Saint Valentine (or Valentinus). His life and death had nothing to do with love however. Valentinus tried to convert the Emperor of Rome to Christianity and was sentenced to death. He was beaten with clubs, stoned and then beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate in Rome.

Very little is actually known about Valentinus in terms of historical fact.

The concept of celebrating Valentine's Day didn't become popular until Geoffrey Chaucer who promoted the idea of courtly love and romance. Chaucer and other bards of his era created many songs and stories promoting romantic love and propagated the myth of Valentine's Day into its modern celebration of romance.

Valentine's Day is actually a pretty busy for both couples and businesses.

Flower shops, chocolate sales, lingerie sales, etc.

But there are plenty of other things people could be doing on, before or after Valentine's Day if they're feeling romantic.

VALENTINE GIFT/ACTIVITY IDEAS

#1. Dance Classes

Some women go weak at the knees when it comes to dancing, but are too afraid to step on a dance floor in a club. Plus there are plenty of people who are simply afraid of the kind of drama, nonsense, drunkenness and even crime that goes on in modern dance clubs and want something more conventional, less formal and where they can actually learn and have fun. Thus dance classes sounds pretty romantic for most people, even if they have difficulty moving about / are embarrassed about it.



#2. Swimming Pools

Now obviously we can't all afford swimming pools, but swimming together has always been a very romantic thought. Heck, if you want a combination of things you can always just watch the film Dirty Dancing together.

I suppose if you actually had the money you could pull a Clark W. Griswold move and announce you are putting in a swimming pool.

#3. Romantic Artwork

Now this is a personal bias since I am an artist and I happen to paint romantic artwork occasionally, but whatever. I am going to guess that there is a fair amount of people out there who share my belief that artwork makes a great Valentine's Day gift.

Of course there might be men (and even women) out there who are more turned on by power tools and the sounds of heavy machinery in the background.

So if you're the type of person who gets turned on by rigid foam insulation (pun deliberate), wall systems or new patio furniture... well then you don't really need Valentine's Day to feel romantic, do you? You probably get turned on just by hearing the ice cream truck and then start making all sorts of crude jokes about cream.

Or maybe you're a green oriented environmentalist? For all we know you might get turned on by solar power hardware (again, pun deliberate) and solar power Ontario MicroFIT programs and solar manufacturing software.

Or maybe you're a vegan? In which case I recommend beautiful-vegan.com.

I think part of the problem with Valentine's Day is that it sometimes sneaks up on people and they forget what day it is. Same with Groundhog Day and Pancake Day, they come and go so quickly sometimes that you forget about them. February just isn't as well known for holidays as October, December or April are. After all you don't even the day off...

So as men today rush out to buy gifts at the last minute many of them will be going straight to the lingerie store first. (Although seriously, the flower shop probably runs out of supplies faster.)

According to our research the big thing in 2011 is vintage lingerie, so things like push-up bras, suspender garter belts, waist cinchers and pin-up stockings with respect to fashion. Blame Mad Men and the recent upshot of interest in retrofuturism / Steampunk.

And don't forget jewelry, another hot item during Valentine's Day, despite gold prices being more than $1,300 per ounce. And perfume... although seriously, you must be running out of ideas if you buy a girl perfume.

In 2009 Canada's Valentine’s Day floriculture sales (before expenses) was $1.44 billion. Figures for 2010 aren't available yet because not all the shops from 2010 have submitted their income tax info yet.

Cosmetic surgeons, dentists, marriage counsellors, online dating services, even divorce lawyers all report an increase in activity on, before or after Valentine's Day.

But the one I really want to talk about is private investigators.

Apparently Valentine's Day is the busiest day of the year for PIs (business goes up 150% above normal according to one source), due to the number of people cheating on Valentine's Day. Spouses get suspicious, they start thinking of divorce, they hire a PI, and then the next thing you know they're headed to the divorce lawyer.

For fun, go watch Burn After Reading too. Spoiler alert! The bits about the divorce lawyer and private investigators are quite funny.



It makes me wonder what the statistics are for the number of divorces that happen in the months AFTER Valentine's. I mean first you find out they are cheating on you, then you hire a marriage counsellor, then you agree to the divorce, then you have to hire a real estate agent, and a home stager because neither of you wants to live in the house together, and then voila... finally the sale of the house, the division of the spoils of love and war, and its over.

Meanwhile in the United States... Americans are planning to spend an average of $116.21 USD on Valentine's Day, up 11% from last year’s $103 (a sure sign of economic recovery if I ever saw one). [Source: National Retail Federation]

Total Valentine's Day spending is expected to reach $15.7 billion, up from $14.1 billion in 2010, but still lower than pre-recession levels.

In order of significance (2011 polls):

Greeting cards: 52.1%
Jewelry: 17.3% (up from 15.5% in 2010)
Florist: 16.8%

Its difficult to track how much people spend on clothing, flowers, candy etc because prices can vary wildly and could cover everything from cinnamon hearts to red hats.

Interesting fact! Men spend roughly double what women spend on Valentine's. The average man spends $158.71 whereas the average woman spends $75.79.

And oddly enough women are more likely to spend their amount on personal things, like hair salons and grooming.

The age difference is also a big deal. Adults 25 to 34 will spend an average of $189.97 USD, compared to the $60.22 USD that adults 65 and older will spend.

30% of couples are planning to dine out tonight.

$9.3 billion is the expected amount of Valentine’s Day gift spending (not including dinner, transportation, etc) on partners today.

$681 million Valentine’s gift spending on pets (a surprising number of people buy things for their pets today... loneliness maybe?)

*Source: National Retail Federation

See my past post: Valentine's Day Primer

Single Dads at Work

SEX - This article is about the dating life (or lack thereof) of single dads (it has nothing to do with the working habits of single fathers).

According to dating website eHarmony 70% of childless Canadian women seeking love decline to even consider a single father as a possible mate. Is it because they think single dads are damaged goods? Do they just hate children? Are they afraid of becoming a step-mother? Or do they just don't want to help raise what is quite likely a very nice kid, just because its not their own flesh and blood?

And there is actually quite a few single dads out there... all of them with limited love lives because of a combination of work, kid(s) to look after and possibly other obligations.

Some people argue women have an aversion to men with children because they are afraid they won't be the "only person in his life" because the child will require a lot of his attention. ie. the child will often come first.

But in contrast however many Canadian men are open to meeting single mothers. Practically competing with each other to meet them. Well, not exactly... but only 63% declined to meet single moms. That is a much better percentage.

NOTE: eHarmony considers people to be single parents, even if the child lives with someone else. That means that people with children could have their children living in another country or some place reasonably far away, and they would still be considered a parent (and a single one).

The problem is that even if the kid is far away is that people consider children to be extra baggage (as opposed to a perk) when it comes to dating.

ie. Last year I dated a woman who had a 4-year-old son here in Toronto. For me having him around us was troublesome at times (lack of privacy and his penchant for troublemaking), but overall I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and would do it again. I can't wait to be a father.

However on the upside I learned something about myself and my qualities as a possible future parent. Furthermore, dating a person with a child means you learn quickly what kind of person they are (how attentive, responsible, etc) and what kind of parent they will be if the two of you decide to have kids too.

“Watching a man parent his children pulls on my heart strings. The relationship I have with my father is a deeply loving and dynamic bond. To (see) relationships reflective of similar breadth and depth takes my breath away.” - A. DeSylva, a 28-year-old Torontonian who has dated single dads.

If a man is 30 or older doesn't have kids, it raises concerns that he might be 'emotionally unavailable', have various relationship hangups, etc... as opposed to implying he was just cautious and used protection / dated girls with birth control pills.

Thus after the age of 35 if a man doesn't have kids, there might be something wrong with him... or maybe he's just been really cautious, which is a good thing. (Women should be able to tell which after they've bedded the guy.)

“If a prospective suitor in this age bracket doesn't have kids, there's usually a very, very, very good reason,” says A. DeSylva.

According to Patti Henry, a psychotherapist and author of "The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing" these are good signs when dating single dads:

#1. If he is protective of you meeting his children, like not wanting you to meet them until after 3 to 6 months.

#2. If he still hangs out with other adults and not his kids regularly.

#3. If he is wise with his children and still punishes them when they do something bad.

#4. If he doesn't spoil them rotten.

All good signs he could be a very good and loving partner, and not be beholden to his kids all the time. (The same good signs can also be applied to dating single mothers.)

“What these women fail to consider is that the act of fatherhood makes any man kinder, more patient, loving and far less selfish. We're just better guys and better partners for being dads. Why isn't that part of the equation?" - Mitch, a 39-year-old single dad.

Saying Sorry at Work

SEX - When it comes to saying sorry most men don't do it unless they actually think they've done something wrong.

And now we have scientific proof of what goes on inside a man's brain.

Researchers at the University of Waterloo have finally determined why your husband or boyfriend won’t apologize. It’s because men don’t think they've done anything wrong, whereas women think everything that everyone else does is untrustworthy or sketchy at best.

In the study by Waterloo psychologists Karina Schumann and Michael Ross they asked 66 people (33 women & 33 men) to keep track of how many times they apologized or said sorry for anything over a 12-day period.

What they discovered was that men and women both apologize about 80% of the time. And we're talking general apologies, like you bumped into them, stepped on their foot, etc... not necessarily the big traumatic apologies like "I'm sorry I got you pregnant five years ago!" or "I'm sorry I dropped the baby down the stairs and we had to take it to the hospital for surgery."

So men and women apologize equally as often... but the difference lies in the fact that women feel they apologized more often and felt that they caused more offence.

Men in contrast, even though they apologize just as often, felt they had caused less offence and that it wasn't that serious.

It should also be noted that both sexes apologized as graciously and just as effusively if they believed an apology was actually owed.

So there. The myth that men don't apologize has been busted. Men DO apologize just as often as women, but the difference is their perception about the seriousness of what they apologizing for.

Now we might chalk some of this down to the fragile male ego and why they don't think some things are that serious.

ie. Lets say a man and a woman are in the heat of the moment and he doesn't put on a condom until halfway through the sexual activity. The man later ejaculates into the safety of the condom, but in the morning the woman gets upset that they had unprotected sex. At the time she didn't fuss about it so he thought she wasn't that concerned about it. Turns out she was, so he apologizes, explaining that he didn't know it was such a big deal to her.

Now obviously a woman is going to take pregnancy a lot more seriously. Even the threat of it can send a woman into a panic (unless she wants kids).

In contrast the male response is "no harm done" and "what's the big deal?"

Perception is a tricky thing.

The Schumann & Ross study found that the "I'm Sorry" discrepancy was “heightened” when it comes to romantic partnerships. Women perceived many more offences from their boyfriend/husband, than their husband/boyfriend perceived from them. We might be able to draw the conclusion that women are more picky, but there's no proof of that. All we know is that women perceive the things men do as wrong and are more insistent that those perceived wrongs should be apologized for.

ie. When I was 18 I went out with a girl (Kristin Greniaus) and she cut the date short early on because apparently I didn't compliment her on her dress and her hair enough. Please note that I did compliment her, but apparently it wasn't enough of a compliment... Go figure. She had apparently put a lot of effort into her hair and the dress and even though I did compliment her she believed the compliment wasn't particularly special. (Personal Note: I sent Kristin a message on Facebook informing her of this blog post. I hope she doesn't mind me using her as an example. I've told this story to hundreds of people because it epitomizes the whole ridiculousness of relationships.)

The researchers give us the following advice:

“(T)hese discrepant perceptions might have unfortunate consequences for mixed-gender interactions.”

Which basically is code for men to apologize even when they don't think they've done anything wrong.

As fragile as male egos go, if you really want to maintain the cohesiveness of the relationship, its worth it to assuage the female's perception of a wrong by giving the apology even if you don't think its worth an apology.

HOWEVER!

Sometimes (and many men will attest to this fact) sometimes women demand an apology and don't tell men what they've done wrong... this apologize-or-else ultimatum is combined quite subtly (and is very childish) with the refusal to tell the man what they have done wrong.

"If you don't know what you've done wrong then maybe we should just break up."

Its one part silent treatment and one part ultimatum. (As proven in previous blog posts we've already determined that the silent treatment is a childish methodology which ultimately damages relationships and causes unnecessary stress. See Being Wishy Washy at Work.)

“Apologies go a long way in promoting forgiveness and relationship well-being,” says Schumann. “So if people think a partner isn’t apologizing for selfish reasons or they don’t want to admit they’re wrong, it really does make the initial offence worse.”

In other words the perceived wrong isn't the real issue here... its the perception that the male won't apologize, even if its a minor thing not worthy of an apology.

ie. The male forgets to take out the garbage + The male won’t apologize for forgetting = The male committed murder and must be punished.

So in other words males should just apologize all the time?

“Ummmm. Ahhhhh,” says Schumann. “Don’t put words in my mouth . . . If they find that their female partner is upset with them, they should inquire as to why, instead of brushing it off as the woman being overly emotional. They should also accept that their partner has a different experience of the event.”

So yeah... the basic concept is that you should listen carefully, apologize and hopefully the female will later realize it wasn't the male's fault in the first place.

So why does this happen?

It’s very scientific but here is the Coles notes version:

Women are emotional empaths and crave communication.

Men are hungry, sleepy or distracted and sometimes not in the mood for a big conversation.

Hopefully that wee bit of insight will help people in their relationships.

Putting the Man back in Romance

ROMANCE - When was the last time time you bought your girlfriend or wife flowers? Or chocolates? Or jewelry?

Was it romantic? Or did it feel more like you're buying their affection?

Myself and many others would argue that "gifting" is the lowest form of romance. Unless you put actual thought into the gift, like a book or item that is truly MEANINGFUL, well then you're really just paying for the stereotypical gifts that men are expected to give women.

Now I am not suggesting you go out and buy Wilma a new bowling ball (like Fred Flintstone did in one episode, which was later pastiched by The Simpsons with a very similar plot). Or a set of golf clubs. Or some other supposedly masculine gift which could either backfire badly or be misconstrued as something else.

During the 1950s and 1960s washing machines, dryers and dishwashers were big gift items for husbands to give their wives. Part of it was the times, the explosion in family earnings and incomes so that they could afford such items (a TV set, a new '57 Chevy, a bomb shelter, etc) and another part of it may have been the need for greater efficiency... to say nothing of keeping up with the Jones family down the street.

Some people will argue both for and against the "grand gestures" method of romance. Hiring a string quartet and playing outside their apartment window, that sort of thing. Making a fool out of yourself may work for some women, but others believe its an act of desperation and... creepy. Thus grand gestures are considered risky and usually the result of a really big mistake.

According to romance surveys most men and women remember the little things. Holding hands, cuddling on the subway, falling asleep together on the couch while watching a movie, kissing in the rain, huddling under umbrellas... these things are more spontaneous and just happen naturally. The trick however is to recognize the opportunities when they arise to be romantic instead of just ignoring them... and at the same time remembering to not RUIN THE MOMENT.

Now what does this have to do with being manly...?

HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN

#1. Learn how to pull out a chair for a woman.

#2. Open doors for women, the elderly and children. Pretty much everyone.

#3. Learn how to help a woman into her coat.

#4. Practice good hygiene.

#5. Avoid swearing so much.

#6. Dress neatly, not slovenly. You can still wear your ripped jeans and your t-shirt that shows off your pecs, but try to wash them regularly. Leave the beer-hat at home. Avoid slouching or scratching your crotch.

#7. Be courteous and helpful, both to her and others. ie. Offer your seat to the pregnant woman on the subway or an elderly person.

#8. Avoid ogling other women. Its considered rude, both to the oglee and the woman you're with.

#9. Use restraint. If you must fart or belch try to do so discreetly and/or say excuse me. Avoid over drinking, smoking, shouting at people or behaving like a buffoon.

#10. Don't act like a braggart. Converse. Ask her opinion on items of interest. Try to avoid the history lesson, political lesson, etc. unless its something they actually show an interest in. DO NOT PREACH RELIGION. Avoid controversial topics until you know them better.

#11. Behave a bit like a bodyguard, but without being obvious about it. Remember the world is a more dangerous place for women and they're not all confident about walking home at night. Don't be pushy about it however.

#12. Stand up for her and support her rights. No need to get into fights, just voice your opinion that she must maintain her rights.

#13. Show your affection. Hand holding, hugs, kisses on cheeks, nose, forehead, hands, etc.

#14. Avoid talking down to her, treating her like an idiot. You may be older than her or have more education, but that is no excuse for behaving like a prick.

#15. Walk on the outside of the sidewalk (so she doesn't get splashed by cars/etc).