Old Married Couples who Argue at Work

Old married couples argue a lot. You know the ones I mean.

Especially if your parents argued a LOT and never got divorced even though they wanted to get divorced but "stayed together for the kids". Then you will know what I mean on an intimate level because it happened to you.

But I have to wonder which is more traumatic for a child:

1) Getting a divorce.

2) Staying together and putting your kids through hell as you argue constantly.

Option 2 could even include spousal abuse, which means the children might be witnessing all manner of spouse on spouse violence - and growing up might continue that cycle of violence with their own spouse.

Any kind of spousal abuse is immediate grounds for divorce in my book. Regardless of who the victim of the abuse is, they should also make efforts to document the abuse with photos, video and visiting a doctor, and police.

And back up photos / videos online so the spouse cannot delete them. Quick and easy way to do that is to email the files to a friend or family member for safekeeping. Or multiple friends / family members.

Anyway, even without abuse you need to be thinking "What is the effect of all this arguing on the children?"

Well it is traumatizing to say the least. To the point that children sometimes run away, attempt suicide due to stress, get into drugs or alcohol, develop severe depression, become violent and act out, etc. I don't have any scientific studies to back this up, this is just my observations based on years of witnessing various parents who probably should not be together and argue so much their kids are traumatized.

It would be very interesting to see a scientific study done on the topic. It is possible there is several studies on the topic, so feel free to try and find one and then post the link in the comments.

Disciplining your Kids at Work (Part II)

See the older post: Disciplining your Kids at Work to learn more about physical discipline (ie. spanking, ear tugging, etc).

Now regardless of whether you believe in physical discipline (I firmly believe that as a child I needed it and I am thankful my parents used ear tugging and spankings at an early age to get their point across that tomfoolery will not go unpunished).

However at a certain age these kinds of punishments don't work any more. This is something every parent knows.

Thus begins a period of "being grounded", being denied dessert after dinner, not being allowed to watch TV, play on the computer, no talking on the phone, etc. At least these were the punishments I was familiar with being grounded during the 1980s and 1990s.

These days being grounded means being sent to their room where many kids now have their own TV, laptop, cell phone, so "being grounded" isn't really much of a punishment unless the parents also take away those electronic devices. I would argue however that the cell phone is an emergency device and should never be taken away. (But you might start handing the bill to the teenager and let them pay for it so they learn to cut back on their rampant usage.)

I remember once wracking up a huge $1,500 phone bill back in August 1997. Thankfully I was working and could pay for it, but in retrospect that money could have been spent on something else. I learned to discipline my phone usage after that incident.

The thing is self-discipline is a rare thing amongst children. Most children will simply run amok (like the kids in Lord of the Flies) if there is no one to tell them what they can and cannot do.

Case in point.

When I was 14 there was an incident at a gathering of neighbours outside the old Salem School and Church. It was basically a community BBQ and I noticed a bunch of kids bullying another kid, running around hitting each other with sticks. So being one of the older (and therefore more responsible) kids I took their sticks away and threw them over the fence.

Two of the boys went to complain to their father, claiming I had bullied them and/or hit them. The father came over to talk to me, telling me to leave his kids alone and threatening me. (I don't remember the exact words, it was 18 years ago.)

"All I did was take their sticks away and throw them over the fence. If you would discipline your kids this wouldn't be a problem."

At which point he threatened me some more and claimed his kids were perfectly disciplined.

To which I believe my response was "Bullshit. You're not even watching them." and basically berated him about the finer points of discipline, a fact which no doubt embarrassed him in front of his neighbours and he realized there was nothing he could do about it so he made one last threat and stormed away.

And THIS is why people should discipline their kids (whatever your methodology, providing its legal), so that your kids don't embarrass you in public, run amok beating up other kids, burning down churches and/or eventually becoming mass murderers. (Everyone blames the parents when the mass murderer strikes. Sometimes the mass murderer also kills their parents.)

Children should be encouraged to enjoy sports, express their creativity, to read, to show off their ability to learn and their intellect... and discouraged from bad behaviour which will cause trouble and mayhem both in the present and the future.

A neglectful parent is not a proper parent at all. Parenting requires you to actually pay attention to your children. Not paying attention and you reap the consequences.

Anorexic Women and Arnold Schwarzenegger at Work

HEALTH - I totally understand why Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife Maria Shriver... and later separated from her in 2010 and now looks to be heading towards divorce.

Have you seen Maria Shriver? She is so anorexic she looks like a skeletal corpse.

When Arnold and Maria first met many years ago Maria Shriver was a thin but reasonably healthy woman. She was in many ways a trophy wife, but had intellect and was a member of the Kennedy Family (and thus a boon to Arnold Schwarzenegger's political career).

However as she got older Maria Shriver became more obsessed with dieting / cutting back on food that she began to look like somekind of undead monster. Combined with this is the associated mental disorders such an eating disorder like anorexia brings with it. She became irritable, obsessive, problematic... in short she became a mental head case.

To treat such a problem what you need is a psychiatrist, which Arnold Schwarzenegger is not.

But what Arnold Schwarzenegger is however is a bodybuilding health nut. To him this wasting away of muscle and fat to leave only skin and bones would have been seen as the opposite of what Maria Shriver should be doing. If she wanted to look beautiful the thing to do is to eat well and exercise. That Arnold certainly knows.

It is therefore perhaps no surprise that approx. 14 years ago that Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife Maria Shriver in favour of the much more attractive housekeeper Patty (Mildred Patricia Baena) and in the process fathered a son, who has recently been the centre of much media attention.

As a working mother Patty had to take care of Maria and Arnold's four children, cook, clean and do laundry. She was certainly eating healthy and getting lots of exercise. She was a virtual sexy amazon compared to Maria Shriver's withered corpse of a body.

The point I am making here isn't that Arnold cheated on his anorexic wife. I am not endorsing cheating whatsoever. The point I am making is that anorexia is NOT sexy. Never is, never will be.

Only some seriously mentally deficient person would want to have sex with a skeleton. That is just plain sick.

With respect to Arnold Schwarzenegger it is no surprise that he tried to do the honourable thing and hold his family together long enough so his children could all grow up with a family, including the bastard son who apparently spent a reasonable amount of time on his estate. While he kept it a secret from his family, he made the son a welcome part of their extended family.

I would speculate that Arnold Schwarzenegger will eventually find love again in his life, but this time he will pay closer attention to finding someone who shares his interest in healthy diet and exercise.

See Also
The Perfect Female Body at Work
Dissatisfaction with Our Bodies and Eating Disorders
Anorexia in Asia
Thinspiration Sickspiration
Bulimia and Depression

Single Dads at Work

SEX - This article is about the dating life (or lack thereof) of single dads (it has nothing to do with the working habits of single fathers).

According to dating website eHarmony 70% of childless Canadian women seeking love decline to even consider a single father as a possible mate. Is it because they think single dads are damaged goods? Do they just hate children? Are they afraid of becoming a step-mother? Or do they just don't want to help raise what is quite likely a very nice kid, just because its not their own flesh and blood?

And there is actually quite a few single dads out there... all of them with limited love lives because of a combination of work, kid(s) to look after and possibly other obligations.

Some people argue women have an aversion to men with children because they are afraid they won't be the "only person in his life" because the child will require a lot of his attention. ie. the child will often come first.

But in contrast however many Canadian men are open to meeting single mothers. Practically competing with each other to meet them. Well, not exactly... but only 63% declined to meet single moms. That is a much better percentage.

NOTE: eHarmony considers people to be single parents, even if the child lives with someone else. That means that people with children could have their children living in another country or some place reasonably far away, and they would still be considered a parent (and a single one).

The problem is that even if the kid is far away is that people consider children to be extra baggage (as opposed to a perk) when it comes to dating.

ie. Last year I dated a woman who had a 4-year-old son here in Toronto. For me having him around us was troublesome at times (lack of privacy and his penchant for troublemaking), but overall I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and would do it again. I can't wait to be a father.

However on the upside I learned something about myself and my qualities as a possible future parent. Furthermore, dating a person with a child means you learn quickly what kind of person they are (how attentive, responsible, etc) and what kind of parent they will be if the two of you decide to have kids too.

“Watching a man parent his children pulls on my heart strings. The relationship I have with my father is a deeply loving and dynamic bond. To (see) relationships reflective of similar breadth and depth takes my breath away.” - A. DeSylva, a 28-year-old Torontonian who has dated single dads.

If a man is 30 or older doesn't have kids, it raises concerns that he might be 'emotionally unavailable', have various relationship hangups, etc... as opposed to implying he was just cautious and used protection / dated girls with birth control pills.

Thus after the age of 35 if a man doesn't have kids, there might be something wrong with him... or maybe he's just been really cautious, which is a good thing. (Women should be able to tell which after they've bedded the guy.)

“If a prospective suitor in this age bracket doesn't have kids, there's usually a very, very, very good reason,” says A. DeSylva.

According to Patti Henry, a psychotherapist and author of "The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing" these are good signs when dating single dads:

#1. If he is protective of you meeting his children, like not wanting you to meet them until after 3 to 6 months.

#2. If he still hangs out with other adults and not his kids regularly.

#3. If he is wise with his children and still punishes them when they do something bad.

#4. If he doesn't spoil them rotten.

All good signs he could be a very good and loving partner, and not be beholden to his kids all the time. (The same good signs can also be applied to dating single mothers.)

“What these women fail to consider is that the act of fatherhood makes any man kinder, more patient, loving and far less selfish. We're just better guys and better partners for being dads. Why isn't that part of the equation?" - Mitch, a 39-year-old single dad.

Disciplining Your Kids at Work

HEALTH - I've put this under "health" because frankly good discipline is a mental health issue, plus knowing how to properly discipline your children without hurting them is certainly a health matter too.

There is essentially 5 levels of how to discipline your children. Some of them are more controversial than others, and the bottom two are basically illegal.

1. Minimalist / Anti-Discipline

Some parents don't like to discipline their children. They basically let their children run wild and only attempt to discipline them when they do something really bad. The problem with these parents is they've adopted a pacifist approach to discipline, so their methodology is things like "no dessert", "go stand in the corner", "no TV", "no computer", "no phone or cellphone", etc. Another problem these parents face however is children who cry, whine and act up until they get what they want. Such parents have a strong tendency to flip flop and renege on their punishment... sometimes even REWARDING bad behaviour by later offering to buy the kid a new toy just to get them to stop crying.

2. Pro-Discipline

These parents are no nonsense when it comes to discipline. They punish their kids, ground them, take things/privileges away and they refuse to back down on the issue. Their results may vary depending on the parent and the methodology, but at least they're not being wishy-washing and then rewarding the kid for bad behaviour.

3. Pro-Spanking & Ear Tugging

Spanking or ear tugging your child is perfectly legal. The exact wording of local laws may vary (and this may not be allowed in certain European countries), but in North America all parents have the right to spank or tug the ears of their children when they misbehave. Brazil and several South American countries have also outlawed spanking. Spanking and ear-tugging causes no damage, only light bruising which fades very quickly. The biggest aspect of this form of punishment is that its more about humiliation and embarrassment. The child will be embarrassed by the spanking and will think twice before doing activities that might induce another embarrassment.

4. Legal Grey Zone

This could be anything really. "Cruel and unusual punishment" could for example be forcing the kid to apologize to all the neighbours they had wronged and atoning for their misdeeds. But it could also be forms of physical punishment / work which we normally don't think of... ie. Having to chop wood for the woodstove for 3 hours before being allowed to eat; 200+ pushups; etc... some of these get into areas which most people would consider to be abuse and parental neglect. Twisting a child's arm for example on purpose would be crossing the line.

5. Out Right Illegal

Beating up the child, starving them, forced isolation, serious physical harm and then covering up the injuries with stories of falling down the stairs, etc. It doesn't take a lawyer to figure out these are going overboard.

Conclusions: Now evidently options #2 and #3 are the best ones and parents might even use the "cruel and unusual punishment" part of #4 if the situation warrants an unusual punishment. ie. You probably won't spank your teenager, but you might confiscate their cellphone and cut off their internet for the whole summer when they're caught gambling online... combined with forcing them to help out at a homeless shelter until they realize the road gambling can sometimes lead to.

The end goal is not to enact revenge on your child, but to encourage them through positive and negative reinforcement that certain types of behaviour will not be tolerated especially as they get older. As parents we have a responsibility to discipline our children so they don't grow up and turn into psychos because of parental neglect. Children can get into all sorts of trouble if allowed to run amok, raising children who eventually as adults run amok is a sure sign that the parents failed in their duty to properly discipline their kids.

DISCLAIMER TO YUPPIES: You may think you're doing your child a favour by not disciplining them or "sparing the rod and spoiling the child", but in reality you are doing them and the rest of society a disservice by raising someone who will ultimately be spoiled rotten.