21 Ways to Please Your Man

1. Shopping for lingerie or sex toys together.

2. Wear a hockey jersey to bed. Or lingerie. Both are good.

3. Sandwiches cut diagonal. Guys love that.

4. When ordering food at a restaurant, keep your order simple and don't break our wallets if we are treating you.

5. Moaning loudly during sex. No complaints from us.

6. Beer is good. Beer is always good.

7. Don't ask us loaded questions like "Does this make my butt look fat?" or "Would you ever want a threesome?" when we both know those questions are a trick.

8. Don't get upset when you find our porn collection. All guys have them, just ignore it and don't talk about it. The same thing goes when you're older and we have teenage boys and you find their collections... its best to just ignore it. (We turn a blind eye to your used tampons and pads, so please ignore our dirty Kleenexes.)

9. We hate shopping for shoes and we hate waiting while you try on different shoes. Its very boring. Bring a magazine or something for us to read at least, or maybe make conversation about something you KNOW we like to talk about.

10. You don't need to repeat yourself when arguing. We heard you the first time. We don't mind listening to you discuss your feelings, but you don't need to keep repeating the same line again and again. (And while we are at it we also like makeup sex after arguments.)

11. Listen to our feelings. We listened to you.

12. If it becomes obvious that we're not interested in the latest gossip its best you stop talking about it and phone/email one of your female friends instead.

13. Pick a chick flick that has sex and/or violence in it. We love that.

14. We have eyeballs and we can see. Yes, we noticed your friend with the huge knockers, and yes our eyes may have lingered on them (natural reaction), but you don't need to make a big fuss about it. We are with YOU. We like your cleavage too.

15. Quickies are great. Who doesn't like quickies?

16. Blowjobs are always wonderful, and it wouldn't hurt if you brushed up on your technique.

17. Don't confuse flirting for sexist comments. When we compliment your body its not meant to be sexist, it means exactly what we say it means. Its a compliment.

18. When all else fails, show a little crack or cleavage.

19. Don't expect the moon from us, but do expect us to make an effort.

20. Walking around wearing our clothes or nothing at all is always a welcoming sight. Just don't get out the power sander and start with the bad naked (see the Seinfeld episode).

21. Sometimes we just want to know you love us. It would help if you said it or showed it more often and we will try to do the same.


Anonymous said...

Well I do all this stuff just cause I'm a freak and I'm super freaky

Chris Sanford said...

Ain't no 21 ways, that list is 4 things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him sandwich... and don't talk so much, and everyone will be happy.

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