Old Married Couples who Argue at Work

Old married couples argue a lot. You know the ones I mean.

Especially if your parents argued a LOT and never got divorced even though they wanted to get divorced but "stayed together for the kids". Then you will know what I mean on an intimate level because it happened to you.

But I have to wonder which is more traumatic for a child:

1) Getting a divorce.

2) Staying together and putting your kids through hell as you argue constantly.

Option 2 could even include spousal abuse, which means the children might be witnessing all manner of spouse on spouse violence - and growing up might continue that cycle of violence with their own spouse.

Any kind of spousal abuse is immediate grounds for divorce in my book. Regardless of who the victim of the abuse is, they should also make efforts to document the abuse with photos, video and visiting a doctor, and police.

And back up photos / videos online so the spouse cannot delete them. Quick and easy way to do that is to email the files to a friend or family member for safekeeping. Or multiple friends / family members.

Anyway, even without abuse you need to be thinking "What is the effect of all this arguing on the children?"

Well it is traumatizing to say the least. To the point that children sometimes run away, attempt suicide due to stress, get into drugs or alcohol, develop severe depression, become violent and act out, etc. I don't have any scientific studies to back this up, this is just my observations based on years of witnessing various parents who probably should not be together and argue so much their kids are traumatized.

It would be very interesting to see a scientific study done on the topic. It is possible there is several studies on the topic, so feel free to try and find one and then post the link in the comments.

5 Ways to increase your chances of getting Laid on a First Date

#1. Clean yourself up and dress masculine and sophisticated.

Three reasons why this improves your odds. Women like men who take care of themselves physically, they should be clean and well groomed. Secondly, women like men who know how to dress themselves - so wearing sophisticated and manly clothing improves your odds dramatically.

So for example just wearing a manly yet sophisticated jacket from Kish Wear - Men's High Fashion, dramatically improves your odds your date will like you.

The problem is that most men tend to dress like slobs, and that does not impress women very much. At the same time however you don't want to come across as emasculated - what you want really is to give the impression with your clothes that you are like a rugged James Bond type who can fist fight a bear and then go dancing all in the same night.

#2. Only go out on dates on Friday night or Saturday night.

Honestly, timing is everything. Women work just like men do, and they don't want to spend the night at a man's place when they have to get up the next morning and work. That would mean showing up at work possibly late, in the wrong clothes, and all sorts of problems. Thus dates on Sunday nights to Thursday nights have a dramatically lower rate of people getting laid. Also, never meet for coffee in the morning or afternoon. Coffee dates are for suckers. Women use coffee dates to browse for men. They are significantly less likely to sleep with someone when they are just browsing.

Avoiding eye contact on a date is a great way to NOT get laid.

#3. Look into her eyes when you talk to her.

This is really important. Do not avoid eye contact when talking, as some men do when they feel uncomfortable. Instead what you need to do is every time you are talking to your date then give them your full attention by looking deep into their eyes when you are talking to them. Try to repeat that when they are talking to you too.

Don't stare at her breasts (although you can sneak a peek briefly), don't check the time on your phone, don't use your cellphone when bored unless she goes to the bathroom (in which case turn it off when she comes back), don't stare at a TV or other women. The only person who should be the centre of your attention is her.

#4. In conversation avoid anything controversial or trivial arguments.

Don't talk about abortion (she may have had one), evolution vs creationism, politics, religion, etc. Instead stick to entertaining topics. If sports come up talk about them briefly, but don't go into great detail about your favourite sport unless she is also very interested in that sport. And even so, know when to stop. If she looks at her watch it is time to switch topics. When it comes to pop culture don't get involved in trivial arguments and then check who is correct on your cellphone. It makes you appear to be the type of person who always has to be right - and arguing about something trivial on a first date is not a good sign.

#5. Clean your apartment / house as if your mother is coming over.

Nothing messes with your feng shui than having a huge mess in the place. You are not going to want to invite a woman over when your place looks like a giant laundry basket of dirty clothes. All your clothing should be in the closet, or neatly piled in a proper laundry basket (or stowed in a laundry bag). The floor should be clean, there should be less than 3 dishes in your sink or the sink should be empty. Your entire apartment / house should be spotless, as if your Great Aunt Ida is coming for a visit soon and she smacks you with her cane if the place isn't perfectly clean.

Furthermore the only things left out, clutter wise, should be your musical instrument, painting, woodworking project, architectural designs, poetry notebook or something creative which you have left on the coffee table. This gives you something to talk about. If you don't do any activities like that your next best option is a coffee table book about traveling overseas. (Because like your Great Aunt Ida, women appreciate a man who is creative / likes to travel abroad. She may be a stickler for cleanliness, but Aunt Ida loves to talk about all the trips she went on when she was younger.)

The same rule above also applies to your car or vehicle. It should be clean, spotless and the only piece of clutter should be a book / map of an area you want to drive to sometime (eg. Ontario's wine region in Niagara).

NOTES

These are just 5 tips that increase your chances of getting laid. They are not a guarantee. You could still mess up by insulting her in some unforeseen way. Or she could turn out to be a headcase / damaged goods, in which case you are better off without her. (Far too many women out there have developed some weird psychological hangups that make them unable to have long term relationships. If you sleep with such a person they might end up stalking you, treating you like dirt, messing your mind, any number of things. You are better off avoiding headcases as they need professional treatment before they can even stand a chance of having a long term relationship.)

Getting laid on a first date is actually a good signifier that your relationship will last a longer period of time and lead to a lasting relationship (possibly even marriage) - at least when it comes to modern women. Conservative / religious women expect to be wooed a lot longer before the courtship reaches the bedroom.

As such it is best to avoid women who are not your counterpart in terms of belief system. Atheists probably should not be dating Christians and vice versa. Muslims and Christians dating, not such a big deal because Jesus is a prophet in Islam. Before meeting women for dates (assuming you met them via online personals) screen out any who are potentially problematic because of their religion. Women who describe themselves as spiritual are okay (and often free spirits sexually), but Roman Catholics or Russian Orthodox might have some antiquated ideas about marriage before sex. (Which is funny, because people who don't have sex before marriage are more likely to have a divorce.)

Now I am not saying you cannot date women who are of a different belief system than yourself. Go right ahead. Just understand that it is not going to be easier when it comes to trying to make the relationship last more then 2 months.

Typical Guy Mistakes at Work

LOVE / SEX - I was tempted to call this post "Being a Bonehead at Work".

As a guy I, on a regular basis, sometimes make stupid mistakes. Bonehead mistakes. Its not that I am stupid... its just that I wasn't thinking.

For women when men do that they call it something else. Being Inconsiderate, because we didn't think of their feelings when we did something stupid.

Now I want to point out that doing a Typical Guy Mistake happens a lot. We just don't think sometimes and we do something and only afterwards realize we were being a bonehead.

Somewhere out there in the world I can guarantee there is multiple men making a bonehead mistake right now... and at the same time there is a bunch of others who are regretting their action.

Typical Guy Mistakes aren't the result of greed, hatred or malice. Although some of them might be done in the name of laziness and/or efficiency. As guys we have a tendency to think of the most efficient use of our time... so if we can carry 3 boxes up the stairs in one trip instead of making 3 trips, well by golly, we're going to carry all three boxes at once!

And that isn't really laziness because we're doing extra effort to make more efficient use of time. It takes us more energy to carry all three boxes at once.

Now if we drop 1 of the boxes and it contained your great-grandmother's antique heirloom knitting needles and the knitting needles get broken... well, gee, we're sorry. We thought we could do it without too much difficulty and weren't thinking about the danger to your precious heirloom.

And such things just happen.

Another Typical Guy Mistake is when we blurt something out and we're being honest. Nothing wrong with the truth right? Ha, if only.

Another Typical Guy Mistake is when we embarrass you by behaving like a dumb*ss. You roll your eyes in embarrassment and look the other way and later berate us later about how its rude to ask Asian people where they're from and conversing with them in their native language (as someone who speaks Korean, Japanese and Mandarin I've done this a lot, mostly because I use any excuse to hone my language skills and get needed practice).

I think you get the point.

The thing about Typical Guy Mistakes is that we know we were being stupid when we made the mistakes, but we don't think we did anything wrong. This is an important disctinction.

Doing something stupid is a whoops. Sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Doing something wrong means we did something immoral out of greed, hatred, envy, etc.

Thus sometimes men will refuse to apologize for a Typical Guy Mistake because we didn't do anything immoral. We already know we did something stupid, but morality isn't part of equation.

We can apologize for our stupidity, but sometimes if we've done multiple stupid mistakes these things add up and women get annoyed at the sheer number of mistakes. If the woman in our life is the type who keeps bringing up old mistakes this isn't going to help either. At some point in resulting arguments she might even refer to him as "a Complete Bonehead".

Being a Complete Bonehead means you're a guy who makes Typical Guy Mistakes on a regular (perhaps even daily) basis. Watch old episodes of Tim Allen on the "Home Improvement" TV show from the 1990s and you will get to see a Complete Bonehead in action.

I am going to give a personal example. One week before Valentines I was at my girlfriend's place and we discussed me staying the night. It was still early in the relationship and she had mentioned wanting to stay up late sometime talking. I was all for snuggling and chatting. However my interest in doing so was apparently misconstrued as sexual lust and she got scared of the seriousness of the relationship and 4 days later we broke up.

Now... did I do anything immoral? Nope. Was it a stupid mistake for me to want to spend the night and chat? Yes.

Now during the actual break up I did another one. I complained about how she frequently changes her mind, cancels meetings, changes meetings and so forth. Sometimes she can't even make up her mind. (If you've ever dated someone like this you know how annoying and frustrating this is.) I felt she was being inconsiderate and selfish by not taking into account my feelings and schedule and the effort I was putting into doing nice things for her. ie. The one time she was supposed to come over for spicy spaghetti and watch movies, but instead she cancelled and went straight home because she was "too tired" from work.

I was upset and said something stupid. Regardless that its true that she does those things, it was still stupid of me to bring up the topic during the breakup.

But in retrospect she was probably just making Typical Girl Mistakes when she cancelled or changed all those meetings. She wasn't thinking, the same way I wasn't thinking.

She knew I was making the meal for her but it never occurred to her that I was making a huge effort making her a special meal and that I would be upset if she cancelled at the last minute.

Such things just happen.

The only thing we can do is try and practice forgiveness and this works equally well for both sexes.

Whirlwind Romances and Commitment-Phobes at Work

DISCLAIMER - Not all people are commitment-phobes. Some have completely legitimate reasons to end a relationship. Some are just fickle or bored easily. It is my experience that younger people tend to be commitment-phobes and older people are more willing and desiring of a lasting relationship with all the responsibilities that come with it.

LOVE - Have you ever met a woman and after awhile (the term "awhile" can really vary from woman to woman) she starts talking about commitment.

Now commitment could mean many things.

It could mean going steady (which some men fear because they don't like to be tied down to one person and prefer to sleep around / cheat constantly).

It could mean moving in together as part of a natural progression towards marriage.

It could mean marriage itself, with the implied commitment towards having children.

Many of these things have been known to cause bachelors running for the hills, seeking protection and some sort of escape clause from their relationship. This is largely due to a fear of responsibility and/or commitment and/or fear of growing older, settling down, etc.

Usually its young men who are commitment-phobes. The older the man gets the more likely he starts getting fatherly yearnings towards having a wife and kids. And even grandkids. The ol' grow old and die together bit.

For women it is the same problem, but they also have a biological clock that is ticking. Once a woman enters her 30s and hasn't had kids of her own, if she has any plans to do so she had better speed it up and/or lower her standards.

Now there is plenty of nice single men out there. I know, I am one of them. But they're sometimes shy and they can't be hitting on women at work (because that is sexual harassment), they can't hit on women on the subway (because that is just creepy) and meeting women at church only works for those people who are super-religious and have no life.

So where is a man in his 30s supposed to meet a woman his age? Online personals. And there is quite a few out there, but the one I recommend is Plenty of Fish, or if you're very serious about getting married, check out eVow.

So you go through the whole online personals thing, a bit embarrassed at first, but hey, its easier than trying to pick up a woman at a bar and getting rejected in person.

Then Man meets Woman... and here is where we reach the Whirlwind Romance part of my conversation.

If people connect on their first meeting (and sadly most do not connect) they will probably end their first date with a kiss. Anything less than a kiss and she probably doesn't like you, so don't expect a 2nd date unless she actually makes an effort to arrange a 2nd meeting. No Kiss + Zero Effort = No 2nd Date. Capiche?

If they connect very well it might reach one of those baseball euphemism bases... for those who don't know, they are:

First base – French kissing involving the tongue.
Second base – Aggressive stimulation of the upper body, neck, chest, breasts, back, etc.
Third base – Manual or oral stimulation of the genitalia.
Home run – The act of penetrative intercourse, whether vaginal or anal.

Now if the 4th one happens and continues for some time its recommended you get tested for HIV, wear protection (especially if you're sleeping with multiple women), practice self control, etc.

Now eventually one or both of you will become emotionally attached to the other. If this happens quickly, as per a Whirlwind Romance, one or both parties might be tempted to slow it down or even break off the relationship completely (as in you never see her again). Such is the risks associated with having a Whirlwind Romance, they can sometimes end quickly.

Speaking for myself, my Whirlwind Romances usually led to long term relationships, the longest of which lasted 6 years. So in my opinion Whirlwind Romances are a good sign that two people are very compatible.

But not everyone thinks that way. So don't be surprised when women want to slow things down or end it.

Why?

Because women can also be commitment-phobes. They may have other (more legitimate) reasons too, but the core principle is sound. If things happen too fast men typically don't care, so long as the marriage part is slower. For women if things happen too fast they seem to get freaked out easily, possibly due to the fear of the unknown, fear of marriage, fear they're repeating a mistake / trend they've made with other relationships, etc. Any number of legitimate reasons.

Now if you commitment-phobe men out there were paying attention, you may have noticed the escape clause you have been looking for... all you have to do is say:

"I think we're going too fast and should take a break."

Oh sure, the woman is going to accuse you of being a commitment-phobe, and she would be right in doing so. But at least you're being honest for once.

To be fair to her you should also make it clear whether you will ever change your mind.

If you are interested in seeing her later you should say something like: "I just need time to think, but if I come to decision I would like to get back together with you and we could take it slower the second time around."

If you have zero interest in ever seeing her again (because she wasn't your type, was some psychotic nutjob, etc.) you should probably just tell her: "Don't bother waiting for me. I have zero interest in seeing you again. I don't think you are my type anyway. Lets just be friends! You snore and your breath stinks. You make love like a corpse. Etc, etc." You could even email her this blog post and she will get the hint.

Now on the reverse side if its the gal who gets cold feet and becomes commitment-phobic, well then there is nothing you can do about it except try to be supportive (pleading doesn't work, you only feel more pathetic and rejected).

If she says she may change her mind later, great. If not, then you will probably never see her again.

Such is life.

The funny thing about commitment-phobes is that men and women usually go about it differently. Men will typically look for an excuse to end a relationship. Women are more likely to use the "Lets just be friends!" speech or the "Its going too fast!" speech.

All things are equal in love and war, but that doesn't stop us from using different tactics.

Ex Girlfriends or Ex Wives at Work

Ah relationships...

Or more specifically in this case, the ENDING of relationships. Do they ever truly end sometimes? Or do they just drag on and morph into something else?

For example I think there is at least 4 basic scenarios when a serious couple breaks up...

#1. Mutual split, they both hate each other.

#2. Mutual split, they're still friends.

#3. She dumps him, but he still loves her.

#4. He dumps her, but she still loves him.

Next there is sub scenarios...

A. They still talk constantly.

B. They rarely talk.

C. They never talk again.

A2. They have children together and have to talk constantly due to shared custody.

B2. Shared custody but they avoid talking if they can help it because its either painful, awkward, angry, bitter, or something more complicated.

C2. One of the parents' leaves with the children, disappears and never speaks to the other parent ever again.

Of course there will be many other factors (ie. how and why they broke up, whether either of them cheated, whether they were actually married, how long the relationship lasted, rockiness of the relationship, whether they miss each other, are they business colleagues and sometime work together, etc.)...

These days technology has made it easier than ever to send a message to someone's ex. We have email and Facebook and many other ways to find / contact that person. (Unless they disappear and change their name...)

Ideally it is possible to stay friends with the person, but such circumstances seem to be rare. Especially if there is a large amount of bitterness between the couple.

Children wishing their divorced parents would get back together like to believe that anything can happen, including the burying of old hatchets and the rekindling of old flames.

We all would like to think it can happen but the truth is it rarely does. Bitterness is a bit like distrust. Once its there its like a stain on the relationship that never goes away.

Single Dads at Work

SEX - This article is about the dating life (or lack thereof) of single dads (it has nothing to do with the working habits of single fathers).

According to dating website eHarmony 70% of childless Canadian women seeking love decline to even consider a single father as a possible mate. Is it because they think single dads are damaged goods? Do they just hate children? Are they afraid of becoming a step-mother? Or do they just don't want to help raise what is quite likely a very nice kid, just because its not their own flesh and blood?

And there is actually quite a few single dads out there... all of them with limited love lives because of a combination of work, kid(s) to look after and possibly other obligations.

Some people argue women have an aversion to men with children because they are afraid they won't be the "only person in his life" because the child will require a lot of his attention. ie. the child will often come first.

But in contrast however many Canadian men are open to meeting single mothers. Practically competing with each other to meet them. Well, not exactly... but only 63% declined to meet single moms. That is a much better percentage.

NOTE: eHarmony considers people to be single parents, even if the child lives with someone else. That means that people with children could have their children living in another country or some place reasonably far away, and they would still be considered a parent (and a single one).

The problem is that even if the kid is far away is that people consider children to be extra baggage (as opposed to a perk) when it comes to dating.

ie. Last year I dated a woman who had a 4-year-old son here in Toronto. For me having him around us was troublesome at times (lack of privacy and his penchant for troublemaking), but overall I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and would do it again. I can't wait to be a father.

However on the upside I learned something about myself and my qualities as a possible future parent. Furthermore, dating a person with a child means you learn quickly what kind of person they are (how attentive, responsible, etc) and what kind of parent they will be if the two of you decide to have kids too.

“Watching a man parent his children pulls on my heart strings. The relationship I have with my father is a deeply loving and dynamic bond. To (see) relationships reflective of similar breadth and depth takes my breath away.” - A. DeSylva, a 28-year-old Torontonian who has dated single dads.

If a man is 30 or older doesn't have kids, it raises concerns that he might be 'emotionally unavailable', have various relationship hangups, etc... as opposed to implying he was just cautious and used protection / dated girls with birth control pills.

Thus after the age of 35 if a man doesn't have kids, there might be something wrong with him... or maybe he's just been really cautious, which is a good thing. (Women should be able to tell which after they've bedded the guy.)

“If a prospective suitor in this age bracket doesn't have kids, there's usually a very, very, very good reason,” says A. DeSylva.

According to Patti Henry, a psychotherapist and author of "The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing" these are good signs when dating single dads:

#1. If he is protective of you meeting his children, like not wanting you to meet them until after 3 to 6 months.

#2. If he still hangs out with other adults and not his kids regularly.

#3. If he is wise with his children and still punishes them when they do something bad.

#4. If he doesn't spoil them rotten.

All good signs he could be a very good and loving partner, and not be beholden to his kids all the time. (The same good signs can also be applied to dating single mothers.)

“What these women fail to consider is that the act of fatherhood makes any man kinder, more patient, loving and far less selfish. We're just better guys and better partners for being dads. Why isn't that part of the equation?" - Mitch, a 39-year-old single dad.

Saying Sorry at Work

SEX - When it comes to saying sorry most men don't do it unless they actually think they've done something wrong.

And now we have scientific proof of what goes on inside a man's brain.

Researchers at the University of Waterloo have finally determined why your husband or boyfriend won’t apologize. It’s because men don’t think they've done anything wrong, whereas women think everything that everyone else does is untrustworthy or sketchy at best.

In the study by Waterloo psychologists Karina Schumann and Michael Ross they asked 66 people (33 women & 33 men) to keep track of how many times they apologized or said sorry for anything over a 12-day period.

What they discovered was that men and women both apologize about 80% of the time. And we're talking general apologies, like you bumped into them, stepped on their foot, etc... not necessarily the big traumatic apologies like "I'm sorry I got you pregnant five years ago!" or "I'm sorry I dropped the baby down the stairs and we had to take it to the hospital for surgery."

So men and women apologize equally as often... but the difference lies in the fact that women feel they apologized more often and felt that they caused more offence.

Men in contrast, even though they apologize just as often, felt they had caused less offence and that it wasn't that serious.

It should also be noted that both sexes apologized as graciously and just as effusively if they believed an apology was actually owed.

So there. The myth that men don't apologize has been busted. Men DO apologize just as often as women, but the difference is their perception about the seriousness of what they apologizing for.

Now we might chalk some of this down to the fragile male ego and why they don't think some things are that serious.

ie. Lets say a man and a woman are in the heat of the moment and he doesn't put on a condom until halfway through the sexual activity. The man later ejaculates into the safety of the condom, but in the morning the woman gets upset that they had unprotected sex. At the time she didn't fuss about it so he thought she wasn't that concerned about it. Turns out she was, so he apologizes, explaining that he didn't know it was such a big deal to her.

Now obviously a woman is going to take pregnancy a lot more seriously. Even the threat of it can send a woman into a panic (unless she wants kids).

In contrast the male response is "no harm done" and "what's the big deal?"

Perception is a tricky thing.

The Schumann & Ross study found that the "I'm Sorry" discrepancy was “heightened” when it comes to romantic partnerships. Women perceived many more offences from their boyfriend/husband, than their husband/boyfriend perceived from them. We might be able to draw the conclusion that women are more picky, but there's no proof of that. All we know is that women perceive the things men do as wrong and are more insistent that those perceived wrongs should be apologized for.

ie. When I was 18 I went out with a girl (Kristin Greniaus) and she cut the date short early on because apparently I didn't compliment her on her dress and her hair enough. Please note that I did compliment her, but apparently it wasn't enough of a compliment... Go figure. She had apparently put a lot of effort into her hair and the dress and even though I did compliment her she believed the compliment wasn't particularly special. (Personal Note: I sent Kristin a message on Facebook informing her of this blog post. I hope she doesn't mind me using her as an example. I've told this story to hundreds of people because it epitomizes the whole ridiculousness of relationships.)

The researchers give us the following advice:

“(T)hese discrepant perceptions might have unfortunate consequences for mixed-gender interactions.”

Which basically is code for men to apologize even when they don't think they've done anything wrong.

As fragile as male egos go, if you really want to maintain the cohesiveness of the relationship, its worth it to assuage the female's perception of a wrong by giving the apology even if you don't think its worth an apology.

HOWEVER!

Sometimes (and many men will attest to this fact) sometimes women demand an apology and don't tell men what they've done wrong... this apologize-or-else ultimatum is combined quite subtly (and is very childish) with the refusal to tell the man what they have done wrong.

"If you don't know what you've done wrong then maybe we should just break up."

Its one part silent treatment and one part ultimatum. (As proven in previous blog posts we've already determined that the silent treatment is a childish methodology which ultimately damages relationships and causes unnecessary stress. See Being Wishy Washy at Work.)

“Apologies go a long way in promoting forgiveness and relationship well-being,” says Schumann. “So if people think a partner isn’t apologizing for selfish reasons or they don’t want to admit they’re wrong, it really does make the initial offence worse.”

In other words the perceived wrong isn't the real issue here... its the perception that the male won't apologize, even if its a minor thing not worthy of an apology.

ie. The male forgets to take out the garbage + The male won’t apologize for forgetting = The male committed murder and must be punished.

So in other words males should just apologize all the time?

“Ummmm. Ahhhhh,” says Schumann. “Don’t put words in my mouth . . . If they find that their female partner is upset with them, they should inquire as to why, instead of brushing it off as the woman being overly emotional. They should also accept that their partner has a different experience of the event.”

So yeah... the basic concept is that you should listen carefully, apologize and hopefully the female will later realize it wasn't the male's fault in the first place.

So why does this happen?

It’s very scientific but here is the Coles notes version:

Women are emotional empaths and crave communication.

Men are hungry, sleepy or distracted and sometimes not in the mood for a big conversation.

Hopefully that wee bit of insight will help people in their relationships.

Breadwinning & Cheating at Work

SEX - According to new research was recently presented at the American Sociological Association...

Spouses that are financially dependent on their spouse are more likely to cheat, and this is the same regardless of whether they are male or female.

This flies in face of the belief (now proven false) that if someone is financially dependent they will be more faithful. This is actually the opposite. Feeling dependent on someone causes depression and people naturally end up looking for someone else to be their new soulmate, someone with whom they are on a more equal footing.

According to the report people often need an ego boost and an extramarital affair (a big secret) often feels like an ego boost (at least in the beginning). The report doesn't go into detail about what happens after the affair is over, whether the cheater ever confesses and what repercussions occur.

The report, titled "The Effect of Relative Income Disparity on Infidelity for Men and Women", is by Christin Munsch a sociology Ph.D. student at Cornell University and tracks 18 to 28 year old married or common-law couples who were together for more than a year. The report also takes into account and compensates for issues of age, education level, income, religious attendance and relationship satisfaction.

Apparently men are especially vulnerable to infidelity because they traditionally fit the role of breadwinner and when the wife or girlfriend makes more than they do it sparks feelings of inadequacy.

Measurement wise men who are 100% dependent on the women's income are 5 times more likely to cheat.

However this is another factor this report ignores... its called more free time = more time available to cheat. A wife who works 9 to 5 means the husband has plenty of time to cheat in the morning and afternoon.

The reverse is also true however... men who make significantly more than their female counterparts are also more likely to cheat.

The only time men aren't likely to cheat is when their partners make roughly the same or 75% of their incomes.



However this doesn't mean women should be discouraged from pursuing higher paying jobs and careers. If anything this discourages both men and women from chasing after the higher paying jobs because they are both more likely to cheat (and likewise their spouses are more likely to cheat) when there is a huge gap in their salaries.

The good news is that cheaters' wandering eyes stop wandering so much as they age. They might still be looking, but they're not acting on their sexual impulses as much as they did when they were younger.

On a personal note I believe a couple, any couple, should be obsessed with each other. They wouldn't even think of cheating because they are so utterly obsessed and in love with the other person.

Furthermore, it has to be mutual. You can't have one person obsessed with the other, doting on them, bestoying affection and romantic gestures all the time, because then the other person who isn't obsessed and in love feels like they're being smothered and begins to find all the attention annoying.

Its much better to be obsessed and lovey-dovey with each other, because at least then you're only annoying other people who have to endure the public displays of affection and not the ones you care about.

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife." - Ann Landers.

Helen Gurley Brown at Work

FASHION/FEMINISM - Helen Gurley Brown became the editor of Cosmopolitan magazine in 1965 and quickly changed the magazine into one that was just for women (from 1886 to 1864 it had been a more family oriented magazine).

But that is not all she did. As a sexually liberated single woman Helen Gurley Brown also brought to the magazine her own manifesto of what she thought women should behave like. In a word, golddiggers.

In her best-selling book "Sex and the Single Girl" and 8 other books that followed Helen Gurley Brown perpetuated her belief that women could have it all, namely "love, sex, and money" by simply playing the role of a woman who attracts and snares men, and then controls them using sex in an effort to gain money and power.

And when you're done with them, men are disposable and easily replaced.

This obviously comes from a woman who wasn't worried about losing her good looks.

It should be noted that many notable feminists of the time, including Betty Friedan and Germaine Greer, did not support Gurley Brown's manifesto of controlling men through sex. Gurley Brown's concepts which focused on fashion, beauty, fame and using men for sex/money were arguably a step backwards in the women's liberation movement because it promoted the idea that women should behave like tramps and sluts, but only if they're getting a lot of money.

Helen Gurley Brown continued on as editor-in-chief until 1997. She is still alive currently.

But during her 32 years in control of one of the most influential women's magazines in the United States Helen Gurley Brown managed to sway quite a few young women (the Cosmo Girl / Sex and the City generation) to her cause.

While she did claim love was a factor in her philosophy (she married movie producer David Brown in 1959) they never had any children, instead enjoying the wealthy life with no kids to worry about... but lets just test Google and see how many hits for the word love comes up on cosmopolitan.com... 11,400

12,800 hits for the word "sex".

11,800 hits for the word "guy".

2,980 hits for the word "boyfriend".

681 hits for the word "husband".

So apparently husbands aren't high on the list of priorities. Guys are okay, but guys are disposable. And love is slightly less popular than sex. (The actual "love articles" are really more about "making love" than actual romantic love.

3,420 hits for the word "romance".

Heck, lets have some more fun with this...

6,860 hits for the word "hair".

6,570 hits for the word "fashion".

3,860 hits for the words "kama sutra".

501 hits for the word "cheating" (the top articles that came up were "How to Tell if a Guy Is Cheating", "Stop Him From Cheating" and "Is Cheating Always Wrong?").

478 hits for the words "paris hilton".

413 hits for the word "marriage".

So apparently Paris Hilton is moderately less important than husbands, and approx. 15% more popular than marriage. Yeah, I think we get the picture here.

Cosmopolitan... the magazine for slutty golddiggers who don't like marriage but are just marginally better than prostitutes because they pick and choose which rich guys they want to seduce. Its completely unrealistic too (men with good looks and wealth are hard to come by and if you do they are either a: already taken or b: likely to cheat). And women wonder why men get upset about such women and call them b*tches or worse.

You see men are sensitive creatures. We may not like to admit it, but we're very self-conscious about it. We want to be loved like any other human being... but when someone is used and abused by someone they thought (or hoped) might love them, the shock and pain of such betrayal is to be expected.

Yes, the modern Cosmo magazine has helped women feel more sexually liberated, we will give Helen Gurley Brown some of the credit for that. But at what cost? This concept of hunting rich men and then using them for their money is just plain ethically wrong.

If you want money go out and earn it like a regular person. Feminists didn't fight for equality so women could sponge off rich men. They wanted to stand on their own two feet. Gurley Brown's philosophy is a throw back to Parisian courtesans, which some people may romanticize, but in reality were closer to upper-class prostitutes.

Where is the love in using someone like that? Love in such a scenario becomes a tool, a weakness which the woman can exploit and use to her advantage.

If a man did such a thing women would be up in arms and asking for his head on a platter, but women who do it are being praised by Cosmopolitan... despite the fact that these scenarios usually end badly.

Remember Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton? Her affair with the president was more about his power than anything else. She wanted POWER over him and it blew up in her face (pun intended).

That is the Cosmo Girl in action. Such actions will always come back to haunt people.

21 Ways to Please Your Man

1. Shopping for lingerie or sex toys together.

2. Wear a hockey jersey to bed. Or lingerie. Both are good.

3. Sandwiches cut diagonal. Guys love that.

4. When ordering food at a restaurant, keep your order simple and don't break our wallets if we are treating you.

5. Moaning loudly during sex. No complaints from us.

6. Beer is good. Beer is always good.

7. Don't ask us loaded questions like "Does this make my butt look fat?" or "Would you ever want a threesome?" when we both know those questions are a trick.

8. Don't get upset when you find our porn collection. All guys have them, just ignore it and don't talk about it. The same thing goes when you're older and we have teenage boys and you find their collections... its best to just ignore it. (We turn a blind eye to your used tampons and pads, so please ignore our dirty Kleenexes.)

9. We hate shopping for shoes and we hate waiting while you try on different shoes. Its very boring. Bring a magazine or something for us to read at least, or maybe make conversation about something you KNOW we like to talk about.

10. You don't need to repeat yourself when arguing. We heard you the first time. We don't mind listening to you discuss your feelings, but you don't need to keep repeating the same line again and again. (And while we are at it we also like makeup sex after arguments.)

11. Listen to our feelings. We listened to you.

12. If it becomes obvious that we're not interested in the latest gossip its best you stop talking about it and phone/email one of your female friends instead.

13. Pick a chick flick that has sex and/or violence in it. We love that.

14. We have eyeballs and we can see. Yes, we noticed your friend with the huge knockers, and yes our eyes may have lingered on them (natural reaction), but you don't need to make a big fuss about it. We are with YOU. We like your cleavage too.

15. Quickies are great. Who doesn't like quickies?

16. Blowjobs are always wonderful, and it wouldn't hurt if you brushed up on your technique.

17. Don't confuse flirting for sexist comments. When we compliment your body its not meant to be sexist, it means exactly what we say it means. Its a compliment.

18. When all else fails, show a little crack or cleavage.

19. Don't expect the moon from us, but do expect us to make an effort.

20. Walking around wearing our clothes or nothing at all is always a welcoming sight. Just don't get out the power sander and start with the bad naked (see the Seinfeld episode).

21. Sometimes we just want to know you love us. It would help if you said it or showed it more often and we will try to do the same.