Saying Sorry at Work

SEX - When it comes to saying sorry most men don't do it unless they actually think they've done something wrong.

And now we have scientific proof of what goes on inside a man's brain.

Researchers at the University of Waterloo have finally determined why your husband or boyfriend won’t apologize. It’s because men don’t think they've done anything wrong, whereas women think everything that everyone else does is untrustworthy or sketchy at best.

In the study by Waterloo psychologists Karina Schumann and Michael Ross they asked 66 people (33 women & 33 men) to keep track of how many times they apologized or said sorry for anything over a 12-day period.

What they discovered was that men and women both apologize about 80% of the time. And we're talking general apologies, like you bumped into them, stepped on their foot, etc... not necessarily the big traumatic apologies like "I'm sorry I got you pregnant five years ago!" or "I'm sorry I dropped the baby down the stairs and we had to take it to the hospital for surgery."

So men and women apologize equally as often... but the difference lies in the fact that women feel they apologized more often and felt that they caused more offence.

Men in contrast, even though they apologize just as often, felt they had caused less offence and that it wasn't that serious.

It should also be noted that both sexes apologized as graciously and just as effusively if they believed an apology was actually owed.

So there. The myth that men don't apologize has been busted. Men DO apologize just as often as women, but the difference is their perception about the seriousness of what they apologizing for.

Now we might chalk some of this down to the fragile male ego and why they don't think some things are that serious.

ie. Lets say a man and a woman are in the heat of the moment and he doesn't put on a condom until halfway through the sexual activity. The man later ejaculates into the safety of the condom, but in the morning the woman gets upset that they had unprotected sex. At the time she didn't fuss about it so he thought she wasn't that concerned about it. Turns out she was, so he apologizes, explaining that he didn't know it was such a big deal to her.

Now obviously a woman is going to take pregnancy a lot more seriously. Even the threat of it can send a woman into a panic (unless she wants kids).

In contrast the male response is "no harm done" and "what's the big deal?"

Perception is a tricky thing.

The Schumann & Ross study found that the "I'm Sorry" discrepancy was “heightened” when it comes to romantic partnerships. Women perceived many more offences from their boyfriend/husband, than their husband/boyfriend perceived from them. We might be able to draw the conclusion that women are more picky, but there's no proof of that. All we know is that women perceive the things men do as wrong and are more insistent that those perceived wrongs should be apologized for.

ie. When I was 18 I went out with a girl (Kristin Greniaus) and she cut the date short early on because apparently I didn't compliment her on her dress and her hair enough. Please note that I did compliment her, but apparently it wasn't enough of a compliment... Go figure. She had apparently put a lot of effort into her hair and the dress and even though I did compliment her she believed the compliment wasn't particularly special. (Personal Note: I sent Kristin a message on Facebook informing her of this blog post. I hope she doesn't mind me using her as an example. I've told this story to hundreds of people because it epitomizes the whole ridiculousness of relationships.)

The researchers give us the following advice:

“(T)hese discrepant perceptions might have unfortunate consequences for mixed-gender interactions.”

Which basically is code for men to apologize even when they don't think they've done anything wrong.

As fragile as male egos go, if you really want to maintain the cohesiveness of the relationship, its worth it to assuage the female's perception of a wrong by giving the apology even if you don't think its worth an apology.

HOWEVER!

Sometimes (and many men will attest to this fact) sometimes women demand an apology and don't tell men what they've done wrong... this apologize-or-else ultimatum is combined quite subtly (and is very childish) with the refusal to tell the man what they have done wrong.

"If you don't know what you've done wrong then maybe we should just break up."

Its one part silent treatment and one part ultimatum. (As proven in previous blog posts we've already determined that the silent treatment is a childish methodology which ultimately damages relationships and causes unnecessary stress. See Being Wishy Washy at Work.)

“Apologies go a long way in promoting forgiveness and relationship well-being,” says Schumann. “So if people think a partner isn’t apologizing for selfish reasons or they don’t want to admit they’re wrong, it really does make the initial offence worse.”

In other words the perceived wrong isn't the real issue here... its the perception that the male won't apologize, even if its a minor thing not worthy of an apology.

ie. The male forgets to take out the garbage + The male won’t apologize for forgetting = The male committed murder and must be punished.

So in other words males should just apologize all the time?

“Ummmm. Ahhhhh,” says Schumann. “Don’t put words in my mouth . . . If they find that their female partner is upset with them, they should inquire as to why, instead of brushing it off as the woman being overly emotional. They should also accept that their partner has a different experience of the event.”

So yeah... the basic concept is that you should listen carefully, apologize and hopefully the female will later realize it wasn't the male's fault in the first place.

So why does this happen?

It’s very scientific but here is the Coles notes version:

Women are emotional empaths and crave communication.

Men are hungry, sleepy or distracted and sometimes not in the mood for a big conversation.

Hopefully that wee bit of insight will help people in their relationships.

THE RULES at Work

SEX - The following is a list of relationship rules (which you may have seen on t-shirts in the late 1990s). The list is humourous and not meant to be taken seriously, but if you have a funny bone its worth a laugh. I should note there are different versions of The Rules floating around, but this is the version I've chosen to show here.

THE RULES

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it.

14. Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator. Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse, say, at the local sporting goods store.

15. We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just need clarification.

16. Shorts and black socks with sandals is NOT sexy.

17. Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod, not crumpled on the floor.

18. Cut us some slack when we ask you questions about how sports, cars, etc. Consider it your civic duty to help us learn.

19. Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer fluid, or even how to fix a car. YOU DO IT. This is one of the many reasons we are with you.

20. When in doubt ask the woman. But don't expect a straight answer.

:)

Editor's Note: A man could dedicate his entire life to trying to understand women and never come close to fully understanding how they think (especially when hormones are involved)... in theory we would better success if we met a woman who is seeking to understand men and then we would need an honest and truthful debate about what's going in our brains.

Sometimes trying to get people onto the same mental wavelength is like two teams digging a tunnel under a river. In theory they'd meet in the middle, but only if they properly communicated which direction and angle they were digging both sides of the tunnel.

Its not a perfect system, but communication makes a big difference.

Beer Goggles at Work

ENTERTAINMENT/SEX - According to Professor Lewis Halsey and two colleagues from Roehampton University they've discovered that "Beer Goggles" doesn't just impair one's judgement, but also effects our sense of beauty.

The trio interviewed a long list of students visiting a local pub near the university and did a series of tests by showing them photos of people to see if they could tell the images had been altered to make them less symmetrical.

Symmetry is considered to be an important aspect of what makes a person beautiful. After dividing the people into two groups (drunk vs non-drunk) using a breathalyzer they determined that drunk people are unable to differentiate assymetry.



Thus "Beer Goggles" really does make people around you look more attractive, at least as far as your brain is concerned.

Tracking the results the researchers also discovered women are more prone to losing their sense of assymetry. Not because they get drunk easier, oh no, its because men pay more attention to appearance... or more precisely, men leer at women and are checking out their breasts/etc in detail.

In which case leering may actually be an evolutionary skill designed to pick out women which are more symmetrical and healthy looking. Whoddathunkit?

Breadwinning & Cheating at Work

SEX - According to new research was recently presented at the American Sociological Association...

Spouses that are financially dependent on their spouse are more likely to cheat, and this is the same regardless of whether they are male or female.

This flies in face of the belief (now proven false) that if someone is financially dependent they will be more faithful. This is actually the opposite. Feeling dependent on someone causes depression and people naturally end up looking for someone else to be their new soulmate, someone with whom they are on a more equal footing.

According to the report people often need an ego boost and an extramarital affair (a big secret) often feels like an ego boost (at least in the beginning). The report doesn't go into detail about what happens after the affair is over, whether the cheater ever confesses and what repercussions occur.

The report, titled "The Effect of Relative Income Disparity on Infidelity for Men and Women", is by Christin Munsch a sociology Ph.D. student at Cornell University and tracks 18 to 28 year old married or common-law couples who were together for more than a year. The report also takes into account and compensates for issues of age, education level, income, religious attendance and relationship satisfaction.

Apparently men are especially vulnerable to infidelity because they traditionally fit the role of breadwinner and when the wife or girlfriend makes more than they do it sparks feelings of inadequacy.

Measurement wise men who are 100% dependent on the women's income are 5 times more likely to cheat.

However this is another factor this report ignores... its called more free time = more time available to cheat. A wife who works 9 to 5 means the husband has plenty of time to cheat in the morning and afternoon.

The reverse is also true however... men who make significantly more than their female counterparts are also more likely to cheat.

The only time men aren't likely to cheat is when their partners make roughly the same or 75% of their incomes.



However this doesn't mean women should be discouraged from pursuing higher paying jobs and careers. If anything this discourages both men and women from chasing after the higher paying jobs because they are both more likely to cheat (and likewise their spouses are more likely to cheat) when there is a huge gap in their salaries.

The good news is that cheaters' wandering eyes stop wandering so much as they age. They might still be looking, but they're not acting on their sexual impulses as much as they did when they were younger.

On a personal note I believe a couple, any couple, should be obsessed with each other. They wouldn't even think of cheating because they are so utterly obsessed and in love with the other person.

Furthermore, it has to be mutual. You can't have one person obsessed with the other, doting on them, bestoying affection and romantic gestures all the time, because then the other person who isn't obsessed and in love feels like they're being smothered and begins to find all the attention annoying.

Its much better to be obsessed and lovey-dovey with each other, because at least then you're only annoying other people who have to endure the public displays of affection and not the ones you care about.

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife." - Ann Landers.

Disciplining Your Kids at Work

HEALTH - I've put this under "health" because frankly good discipline is a mental health issue, plus knowing how to properly discipline your children without hurting them is certainly a health matter too.

There is essentially 5 levels of how to discipline your children. Some of them are more controversial than others, and the bottom two are basically illegal.

1. Minimalist / Anti-Discipline

Some parents don't like to discipline their children. They basically let their children run wild and only attempt to discipline them when they do something really bad. The problem with these parents is they've adopted a pacifist approach to discipline, so their methodology is things like "no dessert", "go stand in the corner", "no TV", "no computer", "no phone or cellphone", etc. Another problem these parents face however is children who cry, whine and act up until they get what they want. Such parents have a strong tendency to flip flop and renege on their punishment... sometimes even REWARDING bad behaviour by later offering to buy the kid a new toy just to get them to stop crying.

2. Pro-Discipline

These parents are no nonsense when it comes to discipline. They punish their kids, ground them, take things/privileges away and they refuse to back down on the issue. Their results may vary depending on the parent and the methodology, but at least they're not being wishy-washing and then rewarding the kid for bad behaviour.

3. Pro-Spanking & Ear Tugging

Spanking or ear tugging your child is perfectly legal. The exact wording of local laws may vary (and this may not be allowed in certain European countries), but in North America all parents have the right to spank or tug the ears of their children when they misbehave. Brazil and several South American countries have also outlawed spanking. Spanking and ear-tugging causes no damage, only light bruising which fades very quickly. The biggest aspect of this form of punishment is that its more about humiliation and embarrassment. The child will be embarrassed by the spanking and will think twice before doing activities that might induce another embarrassment.

4. Legal Grey Zone

This could be anything really. "Cruel and unusual punishment" could for example be forcing the kid to apologize to all the neighbours they had wronged and atoning for their misdeeds. But it could also be forms of physical punishment / work which we normally don't think of... ie. Having to chop wood for the woodstove for 3 hours before being allowed to eat; 200+ pushups; etc... some of these get into areas which most people would consider to be abuse and parental neglect. Twisting a child's arm for example on purpose would be crossing the line.

5. Out Right Illegal

Beating up the child, starving them, forced isolation, serious physical harm and then covering up the injuries with stories of falling down the stairs, etc. It doesn't take a lawyer to figure out these are going overboard.

Conclusions: Now evidently options #2 and #3 are the best ones and parents might even use the "cruel and unusual punishment" part of #4 if the situation warrants an unusual punishment. ie. You probably won't spank your teenager, but you might confiscate their cellphone and cut off their internet for the whole summer when they're caught gambling online... combined with forcing them to help out at a homeless shelter until they realize the road gambling can sometimes lead to.

The end goal is not to enact revenge on your child, but to encourage them through positive and negative reinforcement that certain types of behaviour will not be tolerated especially as they get older. As parents we have a responsibility to discipline our children so they don't grow up and turn into psychos because of parental neglect. Children can get into all sorts of trouble if allowed to run amok, raising children who eventually as adults run amok is a sure sign that the parents failed in their duty to properly discipline their kids.

DISCLAIMER TO YUPPIES: You may think you're doing your child a favour by not disciplining them or "sparing the rod and spoiling the child", but in reality you are doing them and the rest of society a disservice by raising someone who will ultimately be spoiled rotten.